On Monday morning, KMHD decided to play a version of the Blues standard "Call It Stormy Monday (But Tuesday Is Just As Bad)." I have not heard that song in years. Not since in High School when Scott Faw used to sing it. I am pretty sure it was in the Moonlight Cellar Band repertoire. It seemed fitting given the weather on Monday, but coincidentally, it has been appropriate considering the week I have had.
Monday was fine for a while until a conversation with someone. I know this person has hurt me in the past, but it never felt as intentional when on this day she accused me of spreading rumors about her and making people not like her. This hurts deeply when I have done nothing but the opposite. For months, I have defended her, believed in her, not listened to rumors, tried to help her, and always do right by her. It hurt. Deeply.
Of course, "Tuesday is just as bad." The pain was still very deep, and I had to spend an hour with her at the desk. We barely said anything to each other. It was so unbearable, and I tried to ask how she was. She answered so softly that I detect anger or pain or both in her voice. I hate this situation so much. It is the exact opposite of what I want, and not even close to what I would settle for, or a fraction of what I need.
Then I had one thing I was looking for this week. Drinks with this other girl. On Tuesday evening, I tried to confirm the plans for Wednesday; she canceled. She was too busy. I wasn't mad at her because that would be silly, but I was hurt. It was a setback when I did not need one.
And of course, "Wednesday's worse." The day had the same aura of defeat. I wanted to spend the evening to myself, but I decided to go to Pub Quiz. Unfortunately, none of my teammates were there because they did not think I was going to be there. Pub Quiz is not any where as much fun alone. Although I performed well, it was not really a good experience. When I got home, I wanted to cry myself to sleep. It has been a truly painful week, but to make things better, I started to watch the Muppets.
"And Thursday is also sad." Today started off rough. I did not want to get out of bed, and I got a late start for work. I had to spend more time with her, and it is just so painful. I hate how much we have hurt each other. I want to make it better, but why should I be the one who always tries to make it better?
As someone yelled at me the day before "Move on!" I've tried, and I wish it was that easy. But when is life ever that easy? I just know what I want and what I miss. Someone even commented on the fact that she was giving me the cold shoulder? I did not talk about the situation because I do not want to start rumors. Not about her.
At least tomorrow is Friday. Hopefully, it will be better. A friend will be in town. And after all, "The eagle flies on Friday."
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Talk About Awkward, or Last Night Was FAIL
Well, I am sure many of you are wondering how it went last night. As you know, it evolved from the simple getting a drink to a group adventure. Here is what happened in the end.
After falling asleep while watching TV, I got called and reminded to come out by a friend of mine. I told him I would be at the rendezvous soon. Ultimately, I arrived about an hour late and missed out on any pre-game activities.
So the plan for the evening was to go 80s dancing. Two people in the party were properly attired, and three of us were not. I was in that latter crowd unless by 80s dancing we meant dressing up like an old man. I do that well.
Anyway, we leave the rendezvous and begin to walk to our destination. Here is where the night begins to get awkward. My friend begins to talk to me about his decision that he will be my wingman tonight, and he is going to force me to talk to ladies. I appreciate his effort, but I believe he was oblivious to the reason why I was out that evening.
As for her, she was busy walking and talking with her friend. I was trying to eavesdrop to see if I could interject anything witty or humorous into the conversation. Ultimately, I failed.
Anyway, we reached the destination but alas! The 80s dance was canceled. Actually, I was a little relieved by this revelation. I was not looking forward to paying $5 and having to deal with lots of people.
Instead, we improvised with Happy Hour! The only problem was figuring out where to go. Now would have been a perfect opportunity to utilize my Happy Hour Guidebook, but it was in my bag at my apartment. Foiled by the universe again! Since we were by the Crystal, we tried out Henry's first, but it was crazy packed. Next on the list: Jake's Crawfish. We were able to get a table there. Much better.
Our table was a little secluded which was quite bad actually because it took forever to get service. On the plus side, Jake's has a pretty decent happy hour. They have a $2.00 cheeseburger with fries! I got some frog legs just because I was amazed it was on the happy hour menu. All I could think of while eating them was the poor little frogs with tiny little crutches. Anyway, now that I have plugged Jake's and its happy hour let me finish my narrative.
The conversation over drinks and food was decent. However, I never got an opportunity to talk to the girl really. It was always group stuff mostly. When I did speak, I tried to look directly at her, but I do not know how well that looked. I tried to be witty too. Like our waitress made a comment about her five year old son recently learning about gravity and being so obsessed with it that he tries to use it in every conversation. I was curious as to ways a five year old would utilize the concept of gravity. Example:
After falling asleep while watching TV, I got called and reminded to come out by a friend of mine. I told him I would be at the rendezvous soon. Ultimately, I arrived about an hour late and missed out on any pre-game activities.
So the plan for the evening was to go 80s dancing. Two people in the party were properly attired, and three of us were not. I was in that latter crowd unless by 80s dancing we meant dressing up like an old man. I do that well.
Anyway, we leave the rendezvous and begin to walk to our destination. Here is where the night begins to get awkward. My friend begins to talk to me about his decision that he will be my wingman tonight, and he is going to force me to talk to ladies. I appreciate his effort, but I believe he was oblivious to the reason why I was out that evening.
As for her, she was busy walking and talking with her friend. I was trying to eavesdrop to see if I could interject anything witty or humorous into the conversation. Ultimately, I failed.
Anyway, we reached the destination but alas! The 80s dance was canceled. Actually, I was a little relieved by this revelation. I was not looking forward to paying $5 and having to deal with lots of people.
Instead, we improvised with Happy Hour! The only problem was figuring out where to go. Now would have been a perfect opportunity to utilize my Happy Hour Guidebook, but it was in my bag at my apartment. Foiled by the universe again! Since we were by the Crystal, we tried out Henry's first, but it was crazy packed. Next on the list: Jake's Crawfish. We were able to get a table there. Much better.
Our table was a little secluded which was quite bad actually because it took forever to get service. On the plus side, Jake's has a pretty decent happy hour. They have a $2.00 cheeseburger with fries! I got some frog legs just because I was amazed it was on the happy hour menu. All I could think of while eating them was the poor little frogs with tiny little crutches. Anyway, now that I have plugged Jake's and its happy hour let me finish my narrative.
The conversation over drinks and food was decent. However, I never got an opportunity to talk to the girl really. It was always group stuff mostly. When I did speak, I tried to look directly at her, but I do not know how well that looked. I tried to be witty too. Like our waitress made a comment about her five year old son recently learning about gravity and being so obsessed with it that he tries to use it in every conversation. I was curious as to ways a five year old would utilize the concept of gravity. Example:
Parent: Why isn't your room clean?
Child: Gravity.
Child: Gravity.
Actually, she picked up on the punchline and finished it before I could say it. I thought that was decent, but the problem with group conversations: too many voices. It is extremely difficult to steer them, and they can change on a whim of another member. C'est la vie.
On the walk back to campus, I suffered another setback. I noticed that she was cold, so I was considering offering her my jacket because I had a sweater on underneath. I was about to take it off when someone else beat me to it and offered her his jacket. Damn you man. Damn you. It is ok I still like you actually.
All in all, I consider the night a failure. I enjoyed the times I did get to talk to her, but it did not seem enough. She seems pretty cool, but I doubt anything else will happen. I do not think she is all that interested. Oh well maybe she will come to game night again.
Oh. As you have probably noticed, I have left out the names of individuals involved. It is is to protect the innocent... and the guilty...
On the walk back to campus, I suffered another setback. I noticed that she was cold, so I was considering offering her my jacket because I had a sweater on underneath. I was about to take it off when someone else beat me to it and offered her his jacket. Damn you man. Damn you. It is ok I still like you actually.
All in all, I consider the night a failure. I enjoyed the times I did get to talk to her, but it did not seem enough. She seems pretty cool, but I doubt anything else will happen. I do not think she is all that interested. Oh well maybe she will come to game night again.
Oh. As you have probably noticed, I have left out the names of individuals involved. It is is to protect the innocent... and the guilty...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Water Saving Toilets: An Observation
Recently, I made an observation about water efficient toilets. I have discovered a design flaw, and I feel they are ineffective. Now do not get me wrong. I think these devices are a wonderful idea, but they need some improvement.
When people are ready to flush, they are supposed to push down on the handle for solid waste, and they move the handle up for liquid waste. Simple enough, and most handles have a picture. However, people are going to push down before noticing the instructions. All of their lives they have been pushing down on toilet handles. They've been conditioned! Here is where the problem lies.
Now I assume that toilets deal more with the liquid waste than the solid. If this is true, then people are wasting water with these toilets. They instinctively push down. Why wouldn't they?
Now it is a possibility that this habit has been taken into account. Perhaps if it was the other way, people would be wasting more water because they would push down for solid waste, so it ends up wasting water because they have to flush more than once. However, if my assumption about liquid waste being more prevalent, then obviously that is not valid.
Ultimately, I think more research needs to be conducted. We need some solid data about bathroom habits. If I am correct, then I think these toilets should be re-designed. If I am wrong, well poo.
When people are ready to flush, they are supposed to push down on the handle for solid waste, and they move the handle up for liquid waste. Simple enough, and most handles have a picture. However, people are going to push down before noticing the instructions. All of their lives they have been pushing down on toilet handles. They've been conditioned! Here is where the problem lies.
Now I assume that toilets deal more with the liquid waste than the solid. If this is true, then people are wasting water with these toilets. They instinctively push down. Why wouldn't they?
Now it is a possibility that this habit has been taken into account. Perhaps if it was the other way, people would be wasting more water because they would push down for solid waste, so it ends up wasting water because they have to flush more than once. However, if my assumption about liquid waste being more prevalent, then obviously that is not valid.
Ultimately, I think more research needs to be conducted. We need some solid data about bathroom habits. If I am correct, then I think these toilets should be re-designed. If I am wrong, well poo.
Yeah, I Do Need to Live Soon.
While getting ready this morning, I was talking to my friend Wendy on AIM because that is the proper way to start a day. I was updating her on changes in the situation from last night. The girl wrote on my Facebook wall saying she forgot she had plans, but she invited me to join her and some other people I know.
My friend Wendy told me I should go. Being the avoidance person I am, I tried typing out about needing to leave for work soon. Instead I typed, "Yeah, I do need to live soon."
Talk about a random typo, but I kind of believe it may be a bit of a Freudian slip. I need to get out and enjoy life more. I should stop spending so much time holed up in my apartment I need to get out, take risks, and experience more.
For so much of my life, I live in fear. I am afraid of many things, but I am not completely sure what. Perhaps, I am just afraid of fear itself.
What it all boils down to is that I need to overcome what I am dealing with. I need to get out and do a little more. Spend less time isolating myself. The best way to help with this I believe will be to believe and have a little more faith in me.
Of course, I say these things, but am I likely to follow through? Well time will tell...
My friend Wendy told me I should go. Being the avoidance person I am, I tried typing out about needing to leave for work soon. Instead I typed, "Yeah, I do need to live soon."
Talk about a random typo, but I kind of believe it may be a bit of a Freudian slip. I need to get out and enjoy life more. I should stop spending so much time holed up in my apartment I need to get out, take risks, and experience more.
For so much of my life, I live in fear. I am afraid of many things, but I am not completely sure what. Perhaps, I am just afraid of fear itself.
What it all boils down to is that I need to overcome what I am dealing with. I need to get out and do a little more. Spend less time isolating myself. The best way to help with this I believe will be to believe and have a little more faith in me.
Of course, I say these things, but am I likely to follow through? Well time will tell...
Monday, February 9, 2009
Today in a Nutshell
So today I found out that I may be losing my job soon, but I also may have a quasi-date on Friday. Talk about confusing...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
What a Week of Hell...
Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had a long time. I decided to give up and run away from the lion's roar. I knew the danger that existed that way, but I did it anyway. In doing so, I feel like a piece of me died. There was a void that was quickly filled with negative energy.
All week, I was angry, depressed, upset, and so forth. At a few times, I broke down and cried. Other times, I felt nothing but hatred. I was mad at most of my friends for various reasons, and I had no desire to talk to any of them. In fact, I was almost convinced of making the decision of cutting most of the people I know in Portland out of my life. Luckily, I calmed myself before doing anything that drastic. It looks like I will only be cutting one person out, but she is one of the most difficult ones.
I also considered moving. Giving up completely on Portland and going somewhere new. My choices were returning to Tennessee or a drastically new locale. Right now I am leaning towards Guam or the Northern Marianas Islands. As you can see, I have no completely dropped this idea.
Over the weekend, I tried to take sometime to myself. I talked to the person who sent me in this spiral. Luckily, I cannot stay mad at people, and I respect her for the things she said because I know she cares. I, also, spent money on various things. I got my watch fixed, and I purchased a new sport coat. The watch has been broken since mid-August, and I am glad to have it fixed finally. Additionally, I bought a lot of movies, and I watched several of them.
I have no inkling of what the next week will hold. I believe I will be in better spirits this week, but I know that I am far from healed. There is no escaping the fact that I am currently a battered, broken, and beaten man. I guess this means I only have one way to go though...
All week, I was angry, depressed, upset, and so forth. At a few times, I broke down and cried. Other times, I felt nothing but hatred. I was mad at most of my friends for various reasons, and I had no desire to talk to any of them. In fact, I was almost convinced of making the decision of cutting most of the people I know in Portland out of my life. Luckily, I calmed myself before doing anything that drastic. It looks like I will only be cutting one person out, but she is one of the most difficult ones.
I also considered moving. Giving up completely on Portland and going somewhere new. My choices were returning to Tennessee or a drastically new locale. Right now I am leaning towards Guam or the Northern Marianas Islands. As you can see, I have no completely dropped this idea.
Over the weekend, I tried to take sometime to myself. I talked to the person who sent me in this spiral. Luckily, I cannot stay mad at people, and I respect her for the things she said because I know she cares. I, also, spent money on various things. I got my watch fixed, and I purchased a new sport coat. The watch has been broken since mid-August, and I am glad to have it fixed finally. Additionally, I bought a lot of movies, and I watched several of them.
I have no inkling of what the next week will hold. I believe I will be in better spirits this week, but I know that I am far from healed. There is no escaping the fact that I am currently a battered, broken, and beaten man. I guess this means I only have one way to go though...
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Over the Weekend
Lets talk about my weekend. Shall we?
Yesterday, I was fairly unproductive but not really. I managed to get laundry done, and I finished reading The World Behind the World by Michael Meade. I enjoyed it much more than Water of Life. However, neither compares to seeing him speak in person. That experience was almost spiritual. For those curious, Meade is a well respected story teller who focuses on the importance of applying stories to modern issues.
Last night, I hung out with friends at Zip's. We ate spaghetti and watched Point Break and Hot Fuzz. It was the first time I had seen the former, and the latter is just a blast to always watch. It was good times.
Not good times was waiting for a call or message that never arrived. I tried to finalize those plans to grab a drink with someone that I mentioned in my previous post. I asked her to call me around 10 to go to happy hour, but she never called. Why am I not surprised? Perhaps she never got the messages; the world will never know.
Before leaving, Zip loaned me a book to read: The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Apparently, it is the second best selling Spanish novel ever. Right behind Don Quixote. I started it today while watching the first half of the Super Bowl. So far, I am intrigued. I'll let you know how it goes.
Speaking of the Super Bowl, I found the game to be fairly lackluster with the exceptions of the 100 yard play and the last quarter. Even the commercials were not very impressive. Of course, the best part was the Boss, but then again when does he ever disappoint? The only bad part of his performance was that he only had 12 minutes to perform. That is not enough time for that man. Oh. I'm also looking forward to G.I. Joe the movie, but not the new Star Trek movie. I still think it looks awful.
As for Game Night, it was pretty fun. We just played four games of Nottingham which I recently picked up. It is a pretty simple but fun card game. It is designed by the same guy who created Bohnanza I believe. I should look for more of his games.
I didn't eat KFC today. Sad. I normally get it on Sundays.
I've been in a kind of bad mood all day. I sincerely hope it does not linger into tomorrow. I also hope that I still have a job tomorrow. More about that later.
Yesterday, I was fairly unproductive but not really. I managed to get laundry done, and I finished reading The World Behind the World by Michael Meade. I enjoyed it much more than Water of Life. However, neither compares to seeing him speak in person. That experience was almost spiritual. For those curious, Meade is a well respected story teller who focuses on the importance of applying stories to modern issues.
Last night, I hung out with friends at Zip's. We ate spaghetti and watched Point Break and Hot Fuzz. It was the first time I had seen the former, and the latter is just a blast to always watch. It was good times.
Not good times was waiting for a call or message that never arrived. I tried to finalize those plans to grab a drink with someone that I mentioned in my previous post. I asked her to call me around 10 to go to happy hour, but she never called. Why am I not surprised? Perhaps she never got the messages; the world will never know.
Before leaving, Zip loaned me a book to read: The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Apparently, it is the second best selling Spanish novel ever. Right behind Don Quixote. I started it today while watching the first half of the Super Bowl. So far, I am intrigued. I'll let you know how it goes.
Speaking of the Super Bowl, I found the game to be fairly lackluster with the exceptions of the 100 yard play and the last quarter. Even the commercials were not very impressive. Of course, the best part was the Boss, but then again when does he ever disappoint? The only bad part of his performance was that he only had 12 minutes to perform. That is not enough time for that man. Oh. I'm also looking forward to G.I. Joe the movie, but not the new Star Trek movie. I still think it looks awful.
As for Game Night, it was pretty fun. We just played four games of Nottingham which I recently picked up. It is a pretty simple but fun card game. It is designed by the same guy who created Bohnanza I believe. I should look for more of his games.
I didn't eat KFC today. Sad. I normally get it on Sundays.
I've been in a kind of bad mood all day. I sincerely hope it does not linger into tomorrow. I also hope that I still have a job tomorrow. More about that later.
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