Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had a long time. I decided to give up and run away from the lion's roar. I knew the danger that existed that way, but I did it anyway. In doing so, I feel like a piece of me died. There was a void that was quickly filled with negative energy.
All week, I was angry, depressed, upset, and so forth. At a few times, I broke down and cried. Other times, I felt nothing but hatred. I was mad at most of my friends for various reasons, and I had no desire to talk to any of them. In fact, I was almost convinced of making the decision of cutting most of the people I know in Portland out of my life. Luckily, I calmed myself before doing anything that drastic. It looks like I will only be cutting one person out, but she is one of the most difficult ones.
I also considered moving. Giving up completely on Portland and going somewhere new. My choices were returning to Tennessee or a drastically new locale. Right now I am leaning towards Guam or the Northern Marianas Islands. As you can see, I have no completely dropped this idea.
Over the weekend, I tried to take sometime to myself. I talked to the person who sent me in this spiral. Luckily, I cannot stay mad at people, and I respect her for the things she said because I know she cares. I, also, spent money on various things. I got my watch fixed, and I purchased a new sport coat. The watch has been broken since mid-August, and I am glad to have it fixed finally. Additionally, I bought a lot of movies, and I watched several of them.
I have no inkling of what the next week will hold. I believe I will be in better spirits this week, but I know that I am far from healed. There is no escaping the fact that I am currently a battered, broken, and beaten man. I guess this means I only have one way to go though...
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You know, if you really think about how much good this lion's roar has brought you compared to how much pain, I think you'll realize how much better off you are by letting it go.
ReplyDeleteYou've got your entire life ahead of you, with endless possibilities. You are a free and capable man, and only you get to choose how to live your life. You've got friends who love you in Portland and in Tennessee, but if you really want to go to somewhere new, you definitely should. Just make sure the reason is that you're doing it for you, because you want to, and not because you're running away from anything; that never ends well.
As Thomas Wayne said to little Brucie, "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." And then he became Batman. It's a good point Mr. Wayne makes, but life isn't about falling and picking yourself up. Fall, pick yourself up and learn from it so you don't fall again. Or, at the very least, you choose the conditions under which you fall. You are the one in control of your heart, your mind, and your path. Currents only sweep you away when you choose to let them.
Take the pain, call it experience points, and level up, matey.